Wednesday, October 10, 2012

31 days: not feeling like a grown up

I have to say I am really loving this 31 days series. It really kinda of makes it easier to write about things because it gives me a way to share my feelings and feel like their is some cohesiveness on the blog. Plus I feel like I just kinda of throw up all over my computer with my feelings and emotions and then hit publish. No writing posts and letting them sit or rewriting. Just honest, raw feelings. 

The title of this post kind of says it all, I feel like I am playing pretend and am not really a grown up. 

I think a major factor is not having kids. We of course want kids but the fertility issues are preventing that from happening.

I find when I am around other women my age or even younger who have kids I feel a bit like a teenager/college student again. You know, the whole hmmmm, I am an adult but maybe I am just playing grown up feeling. 

Life just seems different, which obviously it is. Not having kids means more freedom and more time for myself or Scott and I.  There are some definite perks to being sans kiddos. I do have to admit sometimes I get a bit annoyed by  comments like  oh I wish I could spend money on that or go and do that. Constantly hearing that makes me want to snap back "ya well I would love to have a child and since now is not the time I am going to be sure to enjoy the time we do have all to ourselves". 

necklace & earrings : c/o world market // sweater: target via goodwill // top: love culture // skinnies: paige denim via thrift store // shoes: toms

Maybe it is all a part of the wanting what we don't/can't have.  I have heard so many moms talk about wishing they had cherished their time with their husband more before they had kids. So I am making sure we do that. I feel like I cannot win either way. Either I cannot contribute to the diaper changing, bottle using, teething conversation or I feel like I am being judged for how I spend my time and money. 

Perhaps I am just being to sensitive and too emotional. But in my quest to be a better me at the end of October I feel it is important to put my feelings out there.  Maybe I just need to say it and move on from it.


Bernadette Veenstra said...

Frankly, I would tell people to mind their own business. It is none of their business how you spend your money-whether you have kids or not.
Infertility is a big issue. I will be praying that you find any answers you are seeking.

Amanda said...

I think it takes a lot of courage and strength to be able to admit thpse things and share them. So thank you for being so real and raw with your feelings. It's a good reminder for me to remember to be sensitive to the struggles my friends are facing in the kid department. I do want you to know that there might be people saying things meanly or judging you about money (which is wrong and makes me angry) but I would bet the majority of people aren't judging at all and you are prob a tad sensitive which I totally get because I can be that way. I know I make it a point when we have our bible study at our house or a group of friends around to be sensitive to everyone's feelings/life style. Everyone is going through something different and its not right to let kids or military capitalize the conversation when there are couples in the group that are not military or dont have kids. I hope that people will see this and treat you with the same respect! I will be praying for you and I know our heavenly family has a plan for you at this point and place in your life. Have fun at influence conference! Xoxo

Amanda said...

Father* not family.. hehe darn auto correct on my phone

Alyson McMahon said...

Oh Jen, I know how badly you want to be a mama.. and you WILL be and you'll be an amazing one at that. I'll tell you though that *I* certainly never have (nor would I) judge you for how you spend your money or time!! Do I think you're lucky for being able to go thrifting & shopping alone? Sure, I do. But, I know that you'd happily give up that alone time to have a baby on your hip. It's like a double edge sword, you know? And, don't worry.. those who judge you before you have kids will be there to judge you when you do have kids. It's sad and it's frustrating. I try very hard NOT to judge people for the way that they parent, spend money, etc. Really, it's nobody's business but our own right? I wish you lots of love and luck and babies. ;) You know I love ya!! Enjoy Influence too. I can't wait to hear all about it!

Adrienne Johnson said...

Thanks for sharing your heart on this. I've had a similar conversation with my BF from college. She is single at 30 with no children and I am married with three. It's been hard for both of us to figure out what our friendship means and looks like now that our lives are drastically different. I think in the end it boils down to loving each other where we are. Having said that, we've both admitted to being envious of one another.

It's a tough spot to be in and I can see how you would feel that way. Thanks for sharing, if for no other reason than it helps me to understand my own friendship better.

And I pray you have lots of big chubby babies to squeeze! :)

kendra kay said...

hmmmm.....i think maybe ya should snap back every once in awhile because sometimes people dont realize what they are really saying seems very harmless but it isn't always the case.

oh, and i love your pattern mixing, i love to experiment with mixing fabrics, textures and patterns and as an interior designer i do it all the time in peoples homes but havent shared any of my mixed outfits...yet. :)

im a new follower- found you on the WIWW hop.
come by and visit me sometime.
have a great week!

Anonymous said...

I found you at The Pleated Poppy link up. I am loving your blog and I have found a lot of inspiration in your blog! I'm very happy to be your newest follower and I can't wait to see what you come up with next!


JendaLynnePhotography said...

I know exactly how you feel. Me & my husband just got pregnant in April after trying for 8 months. We have been married for 5 1/2 years & people used to hound us when we were going to have kids, and how we spent our money, our time & blah blah blah! Just ignore them! I also know how difficult it is to be happy for others when they are expecting & putting it on facebook. I always felt I wanted to punch them in the face lol. But we can't we just have to be patient and wait our turn I suppose. I will be praying for you & your hubby.

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