I have to say I am really loving this 31 days series. It really kinda of makes it easier to write about things because it gives me a way to share my feelings and feel like their is some cohesiveness on the blog. Plus I feel like I just kinda of throw up all over my computer with my feelings and emotions and then hit publish. No writing posts and letting them sit or rewriting. Just honest, raw feelings.
The title of this post kind of says it all, I feel like I am playing pretend and am not really a grown up.
I think a major factor is not having kids. We of course want kids but the fertility issues are preventing that from happening.
I find when I am around other women my age or even younger who have kids I feel a bit like a teenager/college student again. You know, the whole hmmmm, I am an adult but maybe I am just playing grown up feeling.
Life just seems different, which obviously it is. Not having kids means more freedom and more time for myself or Scott and I. There are some definite perks to being sans kiddos. I do have to admit sometimes I get a bit annoyed by comments like oh I wish I could spend money on that or go and do that. Constantly hearing that makes me want to snap back "ya well I would love to have a child and since now is not the time I am going to be sure to enjoy the time we do have all to ourselves".
necklace & earrings : c/o world market // sweater: target via goodwill // top: love culture // skinnies: paige denim via thrift store // shoes: toms
Maybe it is all a part of the wanting what we don't/can't have. I have heard so many moms talk about wishing they had cherished their time with their husband more before they had kids. So I am making sure we do that. I feel like I cannot win either way. Either I cannot contribute to the diaper changing, bottle using, teething conversation or I feel like I am being judged for how I spend my time and money.
Perhaps I am just being to sensitive and too emotional. But in my quest to be a better me at the end of October I feel it is important to put my feelings out there. Maybe I just need to say it and move on from it.