Wednesday, October 23, 2013

fear of the future and unknowns

As time goes by and our little family stays the same size I often worry that I will become too involved in my own daily life.  Does that make since?

I worry that I will get too into my job and won't be a good mom.  That I will be too focused on wanted to be a successful business woman and I won't want to slow down and enjoy mama moments.  

scarf: forever21 // top, skinnies & flats: Target // bag: Francesca's

I then fear that once I am a mama I won't want to work at all. Ok, really that is not true.  I know that I need to have something for myself, I like to be busy and involved. I like to have something I can call mine and be proud of. Something that doesn't relate to my husband's career as a naval officer but is instead my own.  So maybe that fear is more how will I balance it all.  How will I make it work?  

These fears give me doubts about being a mother.  These fears make me question if I am supposed to be a mom.  How does one balance it all? I see that as a common every day burning questions asked every day by moms around the world.  In a world where we think and expect to do it all the idea of living this life and adding a baby to the mix seems scary.  

I struggle with being successful in my career.  It is a mix of the horrible comparison game and my crazy over the top standards I have for myself.  I don't know what the future will look like. I have no idea the path  my career with go when we have kids. I have no idea when we will have kids, so all these unknowns have my anxiety and fear wheels spinning like crazy. 

I have to remind myself to be intentional about what I add to my plate and the thoughts that I have.  I know stressing over the unknown and things I can't control are a waste of time but the devil is so tricky and finds ways to let that ugly head creep into my vision.

Each day is a chance to start over and remind myself that in God's time it will all happen and the self-induced stress over the unknown is a waste of time.  Every day I get the chance to start over and a better attitude than the day before. 

3 comments:

Manda Jane said...

I understand where you are coming from. Even though I have my 3 full time step-kids, the thought of having a newborn sometimes terrifies me. I wonder if this is the right time - my new business is one year old and growing like crazy and taking up so much of my time. But, then I ask myself, 'is there ever a good time?' I said a prayer for you and your husband last night. You have no idea how much this series has meant to me. We are hopefully starting the domestic adoption journey at the beginning of 2014 and I'm in a very good place and quite excited!

Rachel said...

Worrying over the future is an all-too-common habit of ours but it never really accomplishes anything worthwhile, does it? I really like the colors of your scarf!

blm said...

I am also a full-time stepmama to a 6.5 year old, and wonder these exact same things. My husband's career is at a crossroads, I'm still trying to figure out how I can accomplish my goals around the Air Force and uncertainty, and how I will balance it all if/when we are blessed with a baby. I think it's impossible to worry about the future, but it's definitely reassuring to know that we are not alone. Think of you and Scott often!

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