Wednesday, October 2, 2013

finding my faith, again...

In the beginning of our infertility journey I was unaware of how much emotional pain I would endure. My history of issues with my ovaries, prior surgeries etc I knew there was a pretty good chance it would take us a while to convince, in my head I though maybe 12-15 months or so. We found out about 4 months after trying to start a family that there were various reasons why I couldn't ovulate and thus was going to get pregnant, a diagnosis of Polycystic ovary syndrome {PCOS} was made.  There were also many other health issues that made more sense after the diagnosis. 

It was around month 18 or so that I really began to feel the emotional toll of infertility.  Friends and family members began to announce pregnancies, which then lead to birth announcements and it was hard.  It was hard to see pictures of babies and not be sad. Then the sadness turned into anger, anger at myself and anger at God.  The anger manifested and was often times pushed towards my husband.  Nights of yelling, crying, and being a hot mess were what my poor husband had to deal with after a long 10-12 hour day at work.

In the Fall of 2012 during the same time I began to feel this anger and sadness I really felt a nudge from the Lord.  Scott and I would attend church a few times a month but I wasn't spending any time reading the Bible or actively worshiping God.  I stepped out of my comfort zone and joined a weekly Thursday morning bible study at the base chapel.  God lead me to exactly where I needed to be. I met women who I didn't feel would judge me for my lack of knowledge about the Bible, heck they didn't judge me about anything. They really made me feel comfortable. I was able to share and open up about my anger towards God and how my faith was failing and I couldn't understand why God was "punishing me".  The first study we did was 6 weeks and in those 6 weeks my heart and relationship with the Lord changed in major ways.

I began to feel like I could function again, not by myself but this time with God by my side.  I am not sure the women in the bible study will ever really know how much they helped me in my time of need. How much they encouraged me to see the good in all of Gods plans.  I was reminded again that God has a plan for us all, but it is in his time, not ours. These women shared their brokenness to be a voice for Gods word.  It was by the example of these women that I would later realize God wants to use my story of infertility to help others, even if it is just to spread awareness about infertility.  He wants to use my brokenness for good.  2 years after that first bible study I still have days or weeks where I struggle, but I know my heart would not be at peace about our infertility journey if I hadn't looked up the base bible study and forced myself to go.  Scratch that, let's be real, it was God pushing me to go.

earrings: The Limited // necklace: Target {a gift} // tank: H&M // skirt Loft {$4 total score!} 
// belt: Francescas// sandals: The Gap

These photos were from our trip this past summer to Newport, Rhode Island. My husband is becoming quite the photographer!

pleated poppy


Katie said...

I'm so thankful you're focusing on this for #31days. Its painfully relevant to me- and hearing others' stories does my heart a world of good!



Mama S said...

infertility is a real struggle. You look gorgeous btw

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